Talking to Kids About Grief

Valerie’s House recommends that parents and/or a family member the children love and trust tell children privately about a loss. Using a concrete word, like “died,” is important instead of “Dad went to sleep” or “We lost Dad.” A child might then say, “When will they wake up?” or “If he is lost, can’t we find him?” Using concrete language that a child can understand, such as “Daddy’s heart stopped,” allows children to understand the finality of what has happened, which is very important. Children need to know the truth. Valerie’s House might often refer to “age-appropriate” truth. For example, if a loved one died by suicide or overdose, and the child is under the age of 12, you may want to consider the language of “Mommy was sick and she was suffering. She is not suffering anymore.” You will always provide as much comfort as possible: “They loved you very much,” “This is not anyone’s fault,” “We are still a family, and will always be.” Pause to give your child a moment to take in your words.

The most important part about sharing about a death when speaking with children is that they feel safe and secure. Find a setting that is quiet and even a setting they are familiar with, such as at a park or outside on your patio. Use words that let them know they are going to be okay, you are here for them, and that you are going to get through this together as a family.

Every child reacts differently to learning that a loved one has died. Some kids cry, some ask questions, and others seem not to react at all. That's okay. Stay with your child to offer hugs or reassurance. Answer your child's questions or just be together for a few minutes.

Encourage kids to say what they're thinking and feeling in the days, weeks, and months following the loss. Talking about your feelings can help kids be aware of and feel comfortable with theirs. Say things like, "I know you're feeling very sad. I'm sad, too. We both loved Grandma so much, and she loved us, too."

If the death of a loved one means changes in your child's life, head off any worries or fears by explaining what will happen. For example, "Aunt Sara will pick you up from school like Dad used to," or "I need to stay with your grandma for a few days. That means you and Dad will be home, taking care of each other. But I'll talk to you every day, and I'll be back on Sunday."

Having a small, active role can help kids master an unfamiliar and emotional situation, such as a funeral or memorial service. For example, you might invite your child to read a poem, pick a song to be played, gather some photos to display, or make something. Let kids decide if they want to take part, and how.

Allow children to join in rituals like viewings, funerals, or memorial services. Tell your child ahead of time what will happen. For example, "Lots of people who loved Mom will be there. We will sing, pray, and talk about Mom’s life. People might cry and hug. People will say things like, 'I'm sorry for your loss,' or 'My condolences.' Those are polite and kind things to say to the family at a funeral. We can say, 'Thank you,' or 'Thanks for coming.' You can stay near me and hold my hand if you want." You may need to explain burial or cremation. For example, "After the funeral, there is a burial at a cemetery. The person's body is in a casket (or coffin) that is buried in the ground with a special ceremony. This can feel like a sad goodbye, and people might cry." Share your family's beliefs about what happens to a person's soul or spirit after death. Explain what happens after the service as a way to show that people will feel better. For example, "We all will go eat food together. People will laugh, talk, and hug some more. Focusing on the happy memories about Grandma and on the good feeling of being together helps people start to feel better."

In the days and weeks ahead, encourage your child to draw pictures or write down favorite stories of their loved one. Don't avoid mentioning the person who died. Recalling and sharing happy memories helps heal grief and activate positive feelings.

Notice if your child seems sad, worried, or upset in other ways. Ask about feelings and listen. Let your child know that it takes time to feel better after a loved one dies. Some kids may temporarily have trouble concentrating or sleeping, or have fears or worries. Support groups at Valerie’s House can help kids who need more support.

Provide the comfort your child needs, but don't dwell on sad feelings. After a few minutes of talking and listening, shift to an activity or topic that helps your child feel a little better. Play, make art, cook, or go somewhere together.

Grief is a process that happens over time. Be sure to have ongoing conversations to see how your child is feeling and doing. Healing doesn't mean forgetting about the loved one. It means remembering the person with love, and letting loving memories stir good feelings that support us as we go on to enjoy life.