The day before my 17th birthday, my dad died. Here's how I cope on Father's Day.

Kaitlyn McCormack

The Naples Daily News

Kaitlyn McCormack

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I'm sure anyone who loses a loved one comes to the realization that life keeps going, even if we are not ready for it. Some cope with this truth better than others. I lost my father the day before my 17th birthday. I can’t say that I coped well, but I do know the reality of his death hit me so intensely I was left stunned.

I remember the day the first signs of my dad’s cancer showed. He had been coughing for months and had pain in his throat, but he put off going to the doctor with a long list of excuses and self-diagnoses as to why it would eventually pass. I remember one specific day, I called my dad and learned that he was in the hospital because he wasn’t feeling well. He wouldn’t give me any other information. I was angry. He had been perfectly fine a few hours earlier.

I didn’t know my life would soon be changing forever. I went from a normal Junior at Barron Collier High School to a teenage girl with a dad dying from cancer. I grieved for him even though he was still alive as I watched the man who raised me slip away from me with each day that passed. Anyone who knew my dad knew he always had a joke to crack, and he loved to play his guitar. Toward the end of his life, there were no more jokes made or melodies played. He wasn’t himself anymore. His sickness made him unrecognizable. I try not to remember him that way.

In March of that year, the day before my 17th birthday, my father died. I was holding his hand when he passed away in the living room. I didn’t know I could cry so much in one day.

My dad would do anything for me. As a very creative child, my dad always did his best to keep my imaginative mind entertained. One year for Christmas, my dad gave me a video camera. With dreams of becoming a journalist, I thought it was the best gift anyone had ever given me. I wrote scripts for us, and we used my new camera to record our skits. A couple of days after he died, I looked through the footage on that camera. I found one of my favorite videos where we pretended to be enemies in battle, as “The Eye of the Tiger” played in the background.

Now that it has been a little over a year, things from that time feel more in perspective. Living it felt exceptionally fast but very slow at the same time. I don’t remember much from my junior year. I realize now that was probably because of stress. In order not to get overwhelmed, I tried not to feel much at all, and I spent most of my time alone. After he died, my mom and I found a community of others grieving at Valerie’s House in Naples. Valerie’s House is a special place in our community where families like ours learn the tools to cope with our grief.  I rarely miss a group night. I learned it is important to spend time with people that I love, do things I enjoy, and work hard for what I want. I don’t have to feel guilty about it because that is not what my dad would want for me.

Every day I wish my dad was still alive. I miss him more than I would be able to articulate with words. His death will never make my life easier, and it is going to affect all the biggest events of my life. This realization hit me the night of my high school graduation when I broke down in tears because he wasn’t there to see me. I can only imagine how proud he would be.

Kaitlyn and her Dad

Even though I am sad he can’t see my achievements, I’m not going to stop working towards them. I think about how happy he would be to see me now. I miss my dad every day, but I continue to move forward for him.

This Father’s Day, I will spend time with my mom, and we will visit my Dad’s grave. I like to sit by him and talk. Sometimes I’ll write letters to read.

For those of you who know a family grieving the death of their Dad on this Father’s Day, please reach out to them and let them know you care. Recognize they might want to just stay home and let the day pass by. That’s ok. I learned from Valerie’s House that all of us grieve differently, and we grieve at our own pace. 

My advice for other grieving children and parents without Dad this Father’s Day is that it’s going to be hard, but it will get better. It’s important to stay focused on things that benefit your life and make you happy. Without your person, you can feel lost, but they are always with you. With a day like Father’s Day, for those of us who don’t have a Dad, we can honor another male figure who has made our life better. We also have teens at Valerie’s House who choose to honor their mother or caregiver who has also been in the role of a father because Dad is gone. This day can be anything you want it to be. 

Kaitlyn McCormack graduated from Barron Collier High School this past May.